i quit social media for a while and i guess i quit this blog too. i won’t say sorry for it because I am trying not to feel guilty and apologetic about every small thing. i needed some time to forget things and find other things. that’s very vague. this whole post is going to be stupid. i don’t have anything meaningful to say but i wanted to reassure people that i still exist and i am doing well. that’s it, really.
i’m currently in a cafe in paris, killing time until i head over to the train station to go back to london. i travelled a little bit the past two weeks. i drank a lot of wine and ate a lot of good bread. here are some observations / things that happened:
- florence is the color yellow,
- sitting in the sistine chapel surrounded by korean tourists, thinking, i am american in london but korean in italy. thinking, then what the hell am i in america? in korea?
- thinking, what the hell? what the hell?
- receiving free rosemary, thyme, and olive oil in the southern coast of italy,
- telling men who say ni hao to me on the streets in naples to fuck off fuck off fuck off
- we caught an old man masturbating in a public bath in budapest and when we told an authority figure, he did nothing. next time: ask a woman. next time: make a scene. next time: too tired for a next time—
- while passing through security to see saint chapelle, a security guard told me and alex and that we were cute in korean. i wasn’t offended that time.
- stumbling into a jazz bar because we accidentally went the wrong way and there was a middle-aged man who looked like one of our professors and he played the double bass so skillfully. i ruined the moment a little by thinking about motor neurons but other than that the music was magic i swear
- i really love alex and i want to be friends with her for a long time after college. i don’t know if admitting this here cheapens the sentiment but i do mean it sincerely
- i do not love london but i miss it nevertheless, which is, well, peculiar. london still makes me want to hide in my room sometimes but here is one thing for sure: the thames is the most disgusting and stunning river in the world. the bridges in london are the best in the word. i will defend this to the death.
i felt pretty desolate about how society teaches men to be men so i called my brother two nights ago and talked about nothing in particular and felt better. i thought about the word entitlement. i thought about how bitter i was over the fact that most men do not care about sexual assault and gender harassment and domestic violence the way women do. i thought about how feeling that way does nothing. i thought about myself a lot: my race, my gender, my beliefs, my tongue. admitting this doesn’t make me less egocentric, i know, but i hope this makes me more honest, which is something i would like to be.
the past three months, i ignored many emails. i ignored claremont. i read works by zadie smith and susan sontag. i fucked up here and there and then forgave myself for being human and fucking up occasionally/often. i learned things about myself that i didn’t expect: i enjoy eggplants, i am not made for cities, i am not as mature as i think i am, i like cooking food for friends, i can live without america, i don’t want to live without america.
earlier this morning, i talked to kian for 13 minutes and now realized how much i missed claremont. i miss having breakfast in the dining halls, i miss working in the third floor of lincoln, i miss running into my aamp mentees and oababies around campus, i miss saying hi to people i am not quite friends with but like to imagine we could be one day even though we do not have much time together left. i miss all the communities i have been blessed to be a part of and california sunlight and feeling inspired and loved by so many. i miss learning and unlearning despite all the sleepless nights and stressful weeks. i even miss useless meetings and repetitive conversations at snack. i even miss kian, just a little. (okay, a lot.)
i don’t stay nostalgic for long and i don’t get sad when i’m this way, don’t worry. (also: why is being sad so socially unacceptable? people don’t have to be fine all the time–looking at you, claremont) i’m doing well. a little sick actually but it’ll pass. i like where i am and i hope you like wherever you are too.
notclaremont 